My Dog Rebel

 Rebel the good boy, my best friend passed surrounded by family on 8/2/19.  He could no longer walk.   Neuropathy end up crippling him.  

It was 2009.  We had put down our dog Rain a couple years earlier and Kota was getting old.  Lakota was her full name.  A strong name for such a strange little dog.  She snorted, had oily fur and high anxiety.   She was a sweetheart but unfortunate in so many ways.  

We had recently moved to Colorado.  We bought a new home.  Bre joined our family.  I was losing weight and I set my goals on exploring the state and her mountains.  I wanted a dog to explore with me.  I wanted a Weimaraner for a while.   We looked at breeders and found one we felt good about.  We requested a girl.  However there were only two girls in the liter and they wanted to keep the one we were supposed to get for breeding.  Our option was the runt!   He wasn’t a runt to us.  He had sad blue eyes and big ears.  He was just like me I suppose.  We loved him.  He was ours.  

I was young in my career and very lucky to land with a great company.  I brought Rebel to work with me every day for 7.5 years.  When he was a puppy he sat on the laps of the ladies in customer service.  As he grew older he moved into the warehouse.  I could write stories for days but the short of it was he spent most of his time desperately searching for me or pooping on the floor.  I think we were all taking bets when he would poop on the floor.  It was generally 5 minutes after i brought him in from going to the bathroom or when i left on a lunch meeting.  He was raised by all the good people at KBCo.  Everyone who worked there has their own story about Rebel.

When he was about 15 months old I took him to the Sangre de Cristo Mountains to climb Humboldt Peak.  I was fairly new to climbing 14ers and backpacking.  We left after work on Friday in September.  Half way to Lower South Colony Lake I had to turn on my headlamp.  This was an adventure for both of us and I couldn’t be happier to have Rebel as my companion.  We got to a campsite in the dark.  I had his coat, mattress and water bowl.  I set up our tent and we went inside to sleep.  It was a chilly night and he was cold.  I pulled him into my sleeping bag and I zipped us up.  It was not as planned but it was a moment that bonded is forever.  

The next morning we woke up to a beautiful view of the Crestones.  It’s a spectacular mountain range, a favorite of mine til this day.  Rebel woke up and looked all around.  We were experiencing things for the first time together and it was special.  We started up towards Humboldt, which is the easiest 14er in the range.  When we got to saddle i was so happy.  I was so proud of Rebel.  We snapped a pic.  This was my dream.  The summit of Humboldt is full of manageable boulders.  500 ft from the summit though it was clear Rebel wouldn’t be able navigate the boulders.   We turned around.  I wasn’t going to risk him hurting himself.  In retrospect maybe this was the first sign of his neuropathy.  He wasn’t going to be my mountain companion but we were bonded for life.  I was his alpha.  He was my best friend.  

He was a wild young dog.  When I ran my first 50k Meg and I saw a couple with a Weimaraner.  They told us Weims were crazy for the first 5 years. Then they have 3 years where they are good and then they get crazy again.  Ha, pretty accurate.  

Rebel, aptly named, wouldn’t respond to his name for a long time.  Somehow I discovered that if I made a bugle noise he would come running like the most loyal hound dog.  In the warehouse, that meant turning corners like Kramer.  When he got to me he was so happy, and so was I.   

He was exuberant.  Too much.  He jumped up on a bed and gave my my poor mom a concussion.  He was too energetic when he met people.  He would not bite but he would nibble.  Never malicious.  Meg repaired more than a few screen doors because he ran through them.  He had his flaws but so did I.  I loved him for that too.  

We drove to and from work every day.  He sat shotgun.  When Rebel sat shotgun he was all business.  I could rub his chest but he wasn’t interested in sweet time.  He’d look at me every once in awhile and he felt like were peers.  I would laugh but I was good with that.  Why not?  He had a perspective I loved.   I could have done without the barking every time we passed the Christmas lit reindeer though.  

Rebel hated motorcycles and freight trucks.  He hated storms.  He knew they were coming and he couldn’t be consoled.   He didn’t like aggressive dogs.  He seemed to be able to sense bad people.  That was it.  That was all he didn’t like.  What a good boy.  

Rebel loved to hike.  He loved to camp.  He loved to run.  The funny thing about when we ran was he wouldn’t want me to be sweet with him.  He was on an adventure.  He would look at me with a look that told me thank you.  He would smile.  He would squint his eyes and feel the warmth of the sun.  Damn, it made me feel good.  It made me so happy.  Those were AWESOME times.  

He would only lay down on a dog bed, couch, bed or lap.  He would sit on the back of our couch like a cat.  When we camped he had to sit on my lap.  We thought this was his goofiness and it was but it was also his neuropathy.  

He was so good with our babies.  Brady and Ryder came around.  He was a wild dog but he knew these were his pack.   He endured a lot of abuse and love from those little guys.  He would look at me with eyes that said a million words when they climbed on them.  He knew they were mine and in extension his.  He was so good.   Sweet, caring, loving and patient.  I loved him more every day.

Eventually KBCo ended and we shut our doors in a consolidation.   I got a severance and we spent a lot of time together running.  It was a stressful time for me but I loved those runs and so did Rebel.  I landed a job and I couldn’t take him with me.   This was a first for both of us.  We were always together.  I haven’t spent more time with anyone or anything the last 10 years. Our hearts and souls were connected in a special way.  

Things got bad pretty quick for Rebel.  He couldn’t walk.  Meg and I carried him from bed to yard and downstairs to upstairs.   He fell when he tried to go to the bathroom.  He ate little and we had to give him ice cubes.  He couldn’t shift his body.   He spent his last night in our bed.  He didn’t move that night.  He spent his last 24 hours surrounded by family and he was at peace.   We put him down at home as a family and we cried as a family as his heart stopped.   Damn it.    

When I came home from work it was as if I came home from war.  He greeted me as if we were apart forever.   I would rub his neck.  He would cry out with joy.   I was so blessed.  He really was my best buddy.   When I come home from work on Monday he will not be there.  He never will be again.  It's hard to imagine that being true.

Rebel came around at time in my life when Meg and I were growing our family and experiencing so many firsts.  I needed Rebel  He was a part of our family.  Thank you sweet boy.  I love  you.  I’ll miss you forever.  

Here are a few things I've been doing since my last post.

The last couple of years have been pretty good in the quality of places and races I've done.  Below is a video of what I've been up to.

Checking In

It's been a while since I've posted.  It's been a down year for my running.  A lot has been going on with my family, a new position at work, moving into a new house and switching my stride and shoe.  I've come to accept that my focus has shifted.  I'm still running and enjoying it but I'm not in my typical shape for this time of year.

I don't have much interest in suffering and have cut runs short.  I've had several runs of 20 miles but my longest run to date is only 22 miles.  I rarely feel fresh.  My diet has not been great and I've struggled to keep momentum.  I still have a lot I want to accomplish but I realize that this time in my life has other demands.  I can't give the focus to running right now as I have in the past.

That said, I'm gearing up for North Fork 50k next weekend and Never Summer 100k in about 6 weeks.  I have some work to do the next few weekends and I'm dedicated and excited to get it done.  After that I hope to climb some new 14ers and do a backpacking trip or two.

I'll check back in after my races.

January

Plain of 6 Glaciers, Victoria Glacier, Canada

 January started off awesome.  Brady had successful surgery to remove his tumor and he won't need chemo or radiation.  We went from some of the worst days of our lives to some of the best in a matter of a month.  I don't think it has truly sunk in.

Fairmont Hotel, Banff Canada

January running was about two things.  I was part of a group that committed to running a minimum of 2 miles every day.  I ran 31 days straight.  My previous streak was 14 days.  This was a great way to start the year.  My mileage was low.  I only ran 123 miles but that was also part of my plan.

Changing my stride was my other focus.  I have successfully converted from being a heel striker to a forefoot striker.  I also lowered the drop on my shoes to 4mm.  I was running between 8-10mm.  This has been a challenge.  My achilles and calves are still adjusting and I have a long way to go.  Patience is key so the streaking was good for me.  I was able to set a goal of running every day and allowed my body to adjust to the new stride with low mileage.  I'm interested to see how things progress.

I was fortunate enough to go to Essilor's National Sales Meeting this year.  It was located in Banff.  I got out for a run every day and spent a couple of hours cross-country skiing.  Next winter I am going to commit to cross-country skiing as part of my training.  It really opens up my hips and it's a great workout.

I need to remain patient in February and slowly increase my mileage.  I'm hoping to make another step in my progression.  We move into our new house in March.  I'm looking forward to being back by the foothills.  My goal is to get my strength up for running in the hills

Lake Louise, Victoria Glacier, Canada

Year in Review

December rocked my family in 2014.  Meg's father died suddenly of cancer and our 2 year old son was diagnosed with cancer.  We received a great prognosis for my son on New Year's Eve.  We feel that Meg's dad is watching over him.  Last month put life in perspective with a brutal cold slap across the face.

I debated even writing a review for this year but running has helped me through many of the problems in my life.  It is something that brings me a lot of life joy and satisfaction.  The trail brings a lot of highs and lows but nothing comes close to matters of the family.  A few lines from the song "Life" from the Avett Brothers has connected recently.

Oh, and you and I know all too well

About the hell and paradise

Right here on earth

With that, here is my running year in review.

Attempt on Quandary.  Turned back by windy conditions at 13k feet.

I came into 2014 with lofty goals of 2,000 miles and 250,000 vertical.  I also wanted to run the White Rim Trail in under 24 hours.  There were some some accomplishments and disappointments this year.

I'll start with the disappointments. I did not finish the WRT run.  I came short of my mileage goal and I dealt with some nagging injuries.

There were some high points this year as well.  I finished the year with a personal best 1,904.31 miles and 267,451 vertical feet.  I had a personal high mileage week of  90 miles and 100 miles in 8 days.  I had one of my best races at Silver Rush 50 in Leadville.  I finished in 9:47.  I ran a good race at The Rut 50k and ran the bulk of the Zion Traverse.

I look forward to 2015 and my goal is to simplify things.  I have changed my stride from heal strike to forefoot.  I am also trying to minimize the drop in my shoes.  This is a process.  I am dedicating myself to daily core strength training and preventive maintenance.  The second half of last year my diet turned south.  I'm committing to a healthier diet.  I am also trying to specialize my training for my races and not be concerned with monthly totals.

Here are my 2014 highlights.

24 Hours of Moab 100k.  Kept up with David Hill for the first 30 miles.  This race tested me mentally and physically.

Zion Traverse was the highlight of the year.  It was an unbelievable run through parts of the park that most people don't get to see.  Ran it with a great group of friends.  I'd love to go back.

Previewing Sherpa John's South Park Trail Marathon course.  If things work out I'll run the race this year.

View off back side of Mt Massive.  I look forward to when Tim F comes out to Colorado for a training weekend.  We hit Elbert the day before.

Tim F and I made the snowy trek up to one of my favorite places.  Willow Lake is surrounded by the Zodiak Peaks.  It's awesome to see it in all it's different seasons.

10 Mile Traverse.  Knocked this 19 mile classic out by myself.  The route is challenging with some technical spots.  I was pumped to knock this off.

The family took our first trip to Telluride this summer.  This is the amazing view of Wilson Peak from our cabin.  I was able to sneak away and climb the iconic peak famous for being the Coors logo.

A cool shot coming down after the first climb of Silver Rush 50.

We ran another classic Colorado loop crossing over both the Pawnee and Buchanan Pass.

I paced Tim F for the back 50 of the Leadville 100.  He ran a hell of a race and got a big buckle.  Inspiring stuff.

The Rut 50k at Big Sky, MT.  Awesome and tough mountain race.

Brandt, David and I before the WRT attempt.  Brandt drove a jeep and crewed us.  

I made it 52 miles before dropping due to some heat stroke.  Disappointing but glad I made the attempt.  David made it 100k before dropping.  He would have finished if I didn't drop.  Instead he stopped and we camped in a very remote part of the canyon.  The silence was unlike anything I have experienced.  Canyon country is an awesome and unique experience.

Muscleman Arch

We live in a beautiful county.  Running has allowed me to see some of it's greatest treasures.  I look forward to 2015.  Happy New Year!

A Day on the White Rim Trail

2 years ago I stood at the Grand View Point Overlook scanning the incomprehensible landscape that stretched out in front of me.  I noticed a dirt road down on the lower rim of the canyon and another visitor told me it was a 100 mile loop.  Well, that was convenient.  I had recently finished the Leadville 100 and although I wasn't ready for another 100 the seed was planted.

David, Walter, Brandt

I love Canyonlands National Park.  It is massive and the 3 districts are distinctly different.  There is an eerie aura about the area.  It feels ancient, desolate and forbidden.  There are oasis's, rock art and secrets from the past.  The place reminds me of the old Western movies and Louis L'Amour novels that I loved.  The park is dry and hot and after a few days in the Canyon you feel exhausted.  Spending time here clears your mind and lifts your soul.  By the time you leave you are ready to go but it always pulls you back.  When you are there nothing else maters.  In the canyon and desert you live in the moment.

I was excited about this run.  It was going to do something I love in a place I love.  Canyonlands proved to be unforgiving and offered me humility like many others who have come before me.  I learned lessons about myself and shared an adventure I won't soon forget with two friends.

Shaffer trail

David bought into this idea early on.  I was happy to have him along.  We have raced together several times and spent many miles on the trail training.  He is a stronger runner than me but we are pretty compatible running partners.  Brandt, a friend of David's from Chicago, had recently moved out to Denver and he volunteered to drive around in a jeep and crew us.  He is a really solid guy.  It was great to get to know him and he was an awesome crew and driver.

We rolled into Canyonlands and set-up camp near the park entrance before heading down into town for some last minute supplies and a rental jeep.  We woke up at 5 am, ate breakfast, packed up the car and headed down to the base of the Shaffer trail.  At 6:15 we started.

We headed up Shaffer trail in the dark.  This is a windy, dirt road that climbs over 1,500 feet to the top of the canyon wall.  As we reached the top the sun was rising and we felt good.  The plan was to take the paved road about 8 miles to mile 14.  At that point we would swing 13 miles down a long dirt road to Mineral Bottom.  We made quick time as we finished the first 26 miles in 4 1/2 hours.  That is a little fast for a 100 mile distance but the weather was cool and we didn't feel we were exerting too much effort.

Drop down into Mineral Bottom

We dropped about 1,000 feet to the bottom of the canyon at Mineral Bottom.  This point along the Green River is where we hooked up with the White Rim Trail.  It is also the lowest point of the course.  We got to the jeep and I changed my shoes.  I still felt good.  I had some tightness in my quads but nothing out of the ordinary.  Our next stop would be 8 miles down the road.

We got through mile 33 in 6 hours.  That is when the heat started taking it's toll.  It was probably in the low 80's down at the bottom of the canyon but there was no relief.  There was no shade.  Until you have been in the desert sun you can't really appreciate the way it feels on your skin.  The air was so dry and staying hydrated is a challenge.  There is always a thin veil of dust in the air.  Ultimately, I think it was the heat and dryness that was my downfall.  It hit me like a truck.  By the time we hit the jeep again I was experiencing leg cramps.  They weren't just tight, they were cramping.  That is very rare for me during a run.  It was concerning and I was walking.

Rolling Aid

David, was running a lot stronger than me.  He still had a good bounce to his step and was pulling me along.  We made it another 5 miles before our next stop at the jeep.  I was just starting to come around a bit at that point.  I changed shirts, pumped a lot of fluids and ate.  I had a pretty good 3 miles and I was super excited to have bounced back but it was short lived.  The mile before we came to the next aid stop I was slowed to a walk again.  My legs were cramping severely, my kidneys hurt and I was dehydrated.  I couldn't keep ahead of the hydration.  I made it another 5 miles before I dropped at mile 52.

I didn't have much of a choice.  I sat down.  I felt terrible.  David had held up for me and I probably put him about 5+ miles behind where he would have been without me.  It was so early in the run.  I never thought it would have ended here.  I really thought I had a honest shot at sub-24 hours.  I had underestimated the Canyon.

Views like this everywhere

David made it another 10 miles and dropped at 62.  I think he would have finished if I had kept up my end of the bargain.  We drove a mile down Murphy's Hogback and found a rock to put up camp for the night.  We sat there in the heart of Canyonlands.  There was not a light or person in sight.  We were alone with the stars and canyon walls.  The silence of the Canyon was amazing.  I can honestly say I have never experienced silence like that in my life.  This is one of the special moments that Canyonlands can offer.  We had a couple beers and called it a night.

It took us 6 hours to drive 38 miles out of the canyon the next day.  It took a couple of days for my kidney pain to go away.  I still feel depleted but other than that I am no worse off.

I learned a couple of things about myself this past weekend.

- After dropping  you go back and you think of all the things you could have done differently.  You play the "what if" game.  I'm sure I could have done a few things better but it boils down to the fact that I am not a 100 mile runner.  I finished Leadville but it was brutal.  I don't mind pain and suffering but I don't need it anymore.  At least, I don't need it for 24-30 hours.  I really love the 50k - 50 mile distance.  My body doesn't react well after that.

- 100 miles is amazing.  I get why people do it.  I think about it often.  I would be lying if I haven't thought about going back to the White Rim in past couple days.  I don't like to fail.  I think about moving along slowly at night and battling my body and mind.  Unfortunately, I shut down.  I'm ok with this.  I experienced finishing and failing at 100 miles.  I won't die wondering.  I can accomplish most adventures I want to do in 50 miles or less.

- Heat kills me.  I can handle heat for a couple of hours but I can look back on some of my most epic suffer fests and heat played a major roll in most of them.

- I'll be back to Canyonlands.  There are several runs that are still on my dream list.  I love it there.

- It's good to have friends that are crazy enough to join me on something like this.  Thanks David and Brandt!

"Wilderness is not a luxury but a necessity of the human spirit"

Edward Abbey

Muscleman Arch

September

Lone Peak - The Rut

September was all about The Rut and preparing for the White Rim Trail.  I didn't get in as much climbing as I probably would have liked the month before the Rut but I had a solid training run up Greys and Torreys 2 weeks prior.  Coming into the race my legs felt really fresh.

The Rut is unlike any race I have ever run.  The race runs 32 miles with 11,019 feet of climb over some very rugged mountainous terrain.  The race was the Sky Runner Series Championship so the field was stacked.

They let you ease into the first 10 miles before really climbing.  My fueling and energy levels were pretty solid throughout the day.  I am really happy with my race management.  If I run it again I think I could improve on the last 8 miles of the run but I don't think I would knock too much off my time.  It took me 8:53 to finish which is an outrageous time for a 50k especially considering how I well I ran.  The race is that challenging.

The was one mile that took me 53 minutes!  The picture to the right shows the ridge line.

It's a great race, unlike anything I've run in Colorado.  The race management was great.  I would love to go back.

I took it easy the week after the Rut and then put together my best training week ever.  I stuck to rolling terrain without major climbs.  The White Rim Trail climbs just over 7k over 100 miles so I wanted my training to be similar in profile.

I ran 90 miles in one week which broke my previous record by 16 miles.  I ran 100 miles in 8 days which is the goal I set out for myself.  Over that 100 miles I climbed 7,758 which is almost exactly the same profile as WRT.

I'm currently tapering.  We run on October 11th.  I feel pretty fresh.  I'm working through a strange pain in my left foot but I don't think it will be an issue.  I am excited to see what I can throw down.  David and I are hoping to finish sub-24 hours.

August

Mt Harvard

August was a crazy month.  We sold our house and moved all our stuff into storage.  We moved the rest of our stuff to my folks place where we will be living for the next 6 months while our house is being built.  I also transitioned into my new position at work.  It was tough to get my miles in but it still ended up being a pretty good month.

I managed 182 miles.  David and I knocked Mt Harvard off the list.  I ran a 5:48 mile on the last mile of my 6 mile run while in Dallas.  That is a PR for a mile.  The highlight of the month though was pacing Tim F during the last 50 miles of the Leadville 100.

Hope Pass

Tim was shooting for a big buckle.  I wasn't sure he would be able to pull it off.  The altitude takes a toll and the climbs of Hope Pass and Powerline have a way of taking people out.  I picked Tim up at Winfield and I really enjoyed Hope Pass.  It was nice to climb that mountain with fresh legs.  Tim powered up to the top without pause.  It was a solid climb.  He ran down the backside with little sign of fatigue.  I'm sure he was feeling it but he showed a lot of spring in his step.  When I ran LT in 2012 I turned on my headlamp on this decent.  We wouldn't turn on our headlamp for a couple more hours this year.

Trucking up Hope Pass

Climbing out of Twin Lakes is one of the most overlooked climbs on the course.  Tim was grinding hard during this section and I wasn't sure how he would respond once we got to the top.  We got to the top and Tim threw down a really inspired 10 miles at a 12 minute pace.  Complete gut check!  It was really impressive to have that effort of sustained running at that point in the race.  It's hard to explain to people how hard it is to run this consistently after 65 miles.  Not only is it really physically challenging but mentally it is a relentless battle. Tim just kept the legs pumping.

We took the never-ending climb up Powerline around mile 80.  About two miles from the top we started hearing a horn.  It was a double edged sword.  It was nice to know where the top was but it took a long time to get there.  It felt like it would never end.  When we got to the top there was an aid station named Space Camp.  This place was a little bit of crazy.  There were about 100 glow sticks hanging from strings on trees.  There was a sign hanging over the trail that said "Nice Fucking Job".  The rave party aid station was nuts.  Besides the horn the volunteers were yelling "Nice Fucking Job" and having a hell of a time.  One guy tried handing Tim a sparkler which he declined.  It was a really uplifting after that big climb.  As we ran out of the station someone chased us with a blow up glow in the dark alien.  It was perfect.

River crossing before Twin Lakes

We made our way down towards May Queen.  As we hit the 2 miles of rocky single track that dumped off the dirt road I started hitting a low point.  This was about mile 37 for me and mile 87 for Tim.  I'm not sure if Tim sensed my low point or not but we settled into a slow pace through this 2 mile section.  We didn't say much to each other during this stretch and I was just hoping I would bounce back so I could give Tim what he needs for the final 13 miles. 

We got to May Queen and Tim asked if I was ok.  The guy who ran 87 miles was asking me.  I told myself to snap out of it and got really motivated to get us home.  We had created a nice cushion to break the 25 hour mark that determines if you get the big buckle.  I think we could have averaged about 17 minute miles and still get it done.

The night time is the right time.

We were ahead of the New England contingent that Tim came out with.  I'm not sure if it meant anything to Tim but I wanted to get us in ahead of them.  I thought if we could push hard to the end of the reservoir we could coast in to the finish line.  Tim was in the hurt locker here but he kept moving great.  I knew I was setting a tough pace but he kept it up.  He was dry heaving a bit and must have been delirious.  I knew I wouldn't have been able to do what he was doing at that mileage.  In fact I remember the shuffle I finished this section in and it was nothing close to the pace we were running.

We got past the lake and ran the road up to the railroad tracks.  We walked it in the last 3-5 miles on the climb back into town.  Tim finished about 25 minutes under the 25 hour mark.  Unbelievable run.  His friends that he came out with all finished right behind him.  I think all four of them finished within 3 minutes of each other.  I was wiped out.  After finishing LT100 myself this was the most satisfying run I've ever had.  Pacing someone is a privilege and watching Tim throw down that back 50 was pretty special.  I know I will think of his run when I run the WRT in October. 

The House I Grew Up In

Coming home with our third child Ryder.

We sold our home.  We are moving!  I'm excited.  We are moving into new construction and a bigger house for our family.  Meghan and I were getting so sick of the home improvement projects and the yard work.  It seemed like there was always something: new roof, new windows, new basement, new bathroom, frozen pipes and a neighbor's son recently throwing parties.  We are out of here!  I'm ready.  At least that's what I thought.  

As we started to pack the house, it slowly went from being a little cluttered to being ready for showing to feeling empty and not ours.  Meg and the kids are out of town, and I've been busy packing and moving.  Yesterday my friend John came by and we moved 3 truckloads of furniture and boxes into storage.  Last night our home looked empty, and tonight it hit me!  As I took down all the pictures, each picture brought back a happy memory. When they were all gone, I looked around and all that was left were the memories of this house.  

I can't believe we are moving.  We've spent the last 8 years in this home.  This is where I really grew up.  Meg and I moved in here after being married for only 4 years.  We were really still just dumb kids.  We learned how to argue and accept each other here.  Our marriage became strong here.  That wasn't easy, but we got there.  At the time, we had each other and this house, but there were a lot of empty rooms.

We tried to get pregnant, but we couldn't.  On top of infertility, we both carry the Cystic Fibrosis gene, so even if we did get pregnant, our child had a 25% chance of having CF.  We didn't have a lot of extra money and standard adoption seemed too expensive, so we became foster parents.  We met a little boy named Miles.  He was three months old and being fostered by a really great family.  We met with them and saw this beautiful boy.  His adoption seemed like it was a sure thing.  His birth mother had lost all her other kids.  Her rights would be terminated and we would be able to adopt him.

Long story short, her rights weren't terminated.  I loved that baby as my own.  I had surrendered to him, and then he left.  It tore me up more than I can describe.  Meg and I struggled to understand why it had happened.  We loved him and not only was he not with us, he was probably in a dangerous place.  We couldn't console each other, and we dealt with our pain differently.  I remember laying on his bedroom floor inconsolable. That's when I started running.  Running helped me heal.

The good part of that story is we met our daughter Bre during the process of losing Miles.  She was the most beautiful little girl I'd ever seen: 2 1/2 years old with long brown hair down to her waist and chubby little cheeks.  We fostered her, and this time we were able to adopt.  I remember standing on that front porch, pictured above, before we went to the court house.  It was a huge day in all our lives.  I felt the gravity of it, and I was proud.

We went from living our lives for ourselves,s without a real care in the world, to going through heartbreak and the adoption of our first child in about one year.  I don't care who you are: that is a shock to the system!  We grew up a lot during that year.

A few years went by:  Bre learned how to ride her bike in front of our house, she lost her first tooth, and we worked through the challenges of her first couple of years.  We became so proud of her.  Her strength inspires me.  She'd bounced around the system a bit before being adopted by us, but she came through her first couple of years!  She marches on.  I think of her strength a lot when I run.  

For our next child, we decided to do a standard adoption to eliminate the heartbreak we'd experienced during fostering.  A few months after being in the adoption program, we got a call that we were selected by a birth mom and she was having a baby boy in less than 2 weeks.  Here we go! We were at the hospital the day after he was born.  It didn't take a second to fall in love!  We took him home.  I remember watching Meg with him in our bed.  It felt so good and so right.  But we got a call the next day, and the birth mom wanted him back.  We had no choice:  it was happening again!  The same caseworker who helped us bring him home just a night ago came the next afternoon to pick him up.  My folks came over to help us.  I remember standing in our living room and crying with my family... in the same room where I cried with my father when Miles left.  I passionately told my parents and Meg, "Fuck this world.  We are not going to let it take us down.  We are going to Disney Land with Bre.  It's us against the world."   Later that day, my dad and I brought Bre to the sledding hill right down the street.  She needed to be happy, and it was our responsibility to help her.  

We were on a plane a day later.  Our first night we sat on the beach watching Bre play as the sun went down.  I was tucking it all away, deep inside.  I was going to be strong for our family.  We went to Disney Land and it was perfect.  Bre was so happy.  We actually had a great time.  We had been through this loss before.  We weren't going to let this get us:  we grieved, we laughed, we ate, we healed.  Then the night before we left Disney, we got a call:  his birth mom changed her mind again, and Brady was coming home!  We weren't cursed!  We brought him home for the second time, and worried for the next six months before the birth mom could legally relinquish her rights.  He stayed!

Brady is the energy and personality for our family.  He completed our family.  He was such an amazing gift.  He has a gravity about him that pulls us all together.  There are too many memories to count with him.  He loves to play in our back yard and it's so fun to watch him explore.

We celebrated many holidays in this house, the last being with Meg's mom and dad, her brother and sisters and their families, Meg's aunt, uncle and cousin and our children's Great Grandpa.  I'll always remember Grandpa Great sitting in our living room on a chair giving all the kids books for Christmas.  It was also the first time I really got to know him.  Before the holiday, I'd freaked out about how we would manage Christmas at our house.  The family came together and it was very special.

Shortly after that we had a surprise:  Meg was pregnant!  Total shock.  We were so excited and a little scared.  We were sleeping when Meg's water broke.  We called my mom to come and watch the kids.  What a surreal feeling.  Deep down I prayed that everything went right.  Watching Meg give birth was the most amazing thing I ever witnessed.  Her strength was amazing and then we heard Ryder cry for the first time.  I felt so blessed!

I remember his first night in our bed.  These are the moments that pass by too quickly.  A month after Ryder was born we found out he has CF.  You know what?  We had grown up a lot.  We were ready now.  All the pain, tears, fights, celebrations, professional and personal accomplishments had prepared us to be the family we are today.  This house saw it all.  We filled up our walls with pictures of our kids and vacations.  Our garage became a parking lot for kid toys instead of our cars.  Through the struggle we became who we are today.  We made sacrifices and became proud of our lives.  I say this because I don't know if we would have made the right choices without the  fight that we had.  We fought for each other, our kids and our home.  This time the CF diagnosis wasn't a curse.  It was just another challenge, and after all we've been through we've learned that nothing worth having comes easy.

In two weeks we will walk out the front door for the last time.  I don't think either of us have had a key to the front door in over a year.  We would always go through the garage and that door would be unlocked.  It's just one of the stupid things you do.  We will be leaving behind a lot of memories.  We will be leaving the place that made me a man.